Friday, 7th November, 2014

Morning Weight: 101lb

7:05am

Thankfully I didn't gain anything last night. That's something at least. Raspberries again today.

Garfield sent me a long message last night. I keep rereading it. I don't know how to reply to it or what I'm meant to say.

7:46am

I was 89lb a few weeks ago. 89lb!!

I can't believe I ruined it. I was still fat at 89lb, disgustingly so, but it was still 4lb away from GW3... So damn close, and I had to go screw it up like the stupid failure I am...

8:51pm

I sigh: I should tell him.

Her: That's a terrible idea - he'll flip his shit.

Me: But I feel like I should tell him...

Her: Why? Because you can't keep your own secrets to yourself?

I sigh again: You're right. 

11:11pm

So many secrets... Why do ivhave such an urge to tell someone about them? It'd only make them worry unnecessarily.

I binged again. It seems to go fine throughout the day, then everything fails come the evening. I'll never reach my goals.. And my goals are even more difficult now, they're starting to change. 

I was so looking forward to this diet, and I'm just fucking it up completely... 

I just want to be dangerously skinny... Is that really too much to ask? How come other girls get to be skinny and I can't be? 

I wish I didn't have school and lived alone ... I could really focus on my goals, make super sure that I kept myself and my mind busy, and I wouldn't have any food in the house, so I wouldn't be able to eat anyway.

I'm so desperate for my own space, for not having to creep around.

... For maybe having someone to hold me together at night when the darkness gets so much worse and I start falling apart again...

But that'll never happen. No chance.

I'm cold. I don't understand why, I've eaten way too much. 

Evening a Weight: Don't know