Morning Weight: Don't know
9:18am
She sighs at me, shaking her head.
Her: We'll try again tomorrow.
Me (sighing): I'm so sorry... Should I purge? I need to-
Her: No, don't. I knew it was bad, but not this bad. You've lost all control of yourself. This is awful. No, you shouldn't purge. Today is a write-off. You're also having a really rough time mentally right now. Go, see Garfield, go enjoy yourself, please. I can't help you when you're like this. You don't care anymore.
Me: I'm sorry I'm so weak.
Her (kindly): Not weak, just out of practice.
She strokes my cheek gently, smiling at me, and repeats: Enjoy yourself today.
1:46pm
I purged. I've eaten way too much. I'm not eating again today, or tomorrow. My knuckles hurt. I didn't get it all out... Damn, I hate purging bread.
It's getting easier though. I used to find it impossible to purge, no matter how hard I tried. I used to try for hours, with no result. Now I can get most of it out in 10 minutes tops.
I'm desperate now. I need to be underweight. I need to disappear.
I need to cease to be.
9:18am
She sighs at me, shaking her head.
Her: We'll try again tomorrow.
Me (sighing): I'm so sorry... Should I purge? I need to-
Her: No, don't. I knew it was bad, but not this bad. You've lost all control of yourself. This is awful. No, you shouldn't purge. Today is a write-off. You're also having a really rough time mentally right now. Go, see Garfield, go enjoy yourself, please. I can't help you when you're like this. You don't care anymore.
Me: I'm sorry I'm so weak.
Her (kindly): Not weak, just out of practice.
She strokes my cheek gently, smiling at me, and repeats: Enjoy yourself today.
1:46pm
I purged. I've eaten way too much. I'm not eating again today, or tomorrow. My knuckles hurt. I didn't get it all out... Damn, I hate purging bread.
It's getting easier though. I used to find it impossible to purge, no matter how hard I tried. I used to try for hours, with no result. Now I can get most of it out in 10 minutes tops.
I'm desperate now. I need to be underweight. I need to disappear.
I need to cease to be.
7:22pm
I stand over the toilet. I can hear them downstairs finishing dinner. I stare into the bowl.
Her: Come on, not again, it'll make tomorrow harder.
I put the lid down and go back downstairs.
8:23pm
Stepdad: Hospitals are to treat people who are there through no fault of their own. Personally I think if someone puts themselves in hospital, just for being a doughnut, they should be charged
I continue to stare out the window. In my mind, I ask what about people who attempt suicide?
I'm going to go to hospital for being a "doughnut" and starving myself. Do I need to be charged then? Probably. I deserve it. Taking up a hospital's valuable time. It's one of the reasons I won't see a doctor about this, because I don't have a problem, it's not serious enough, I don't want to waste their time when they should be treating and caring for people who are actually ill.
My chest is knotted. And I feel extremely sick.
I think I ate too much gluten today.
... On purpose. Maybe it will kill me? Ah, but I'm only intolerant, not allergic. That's a shame.
Oh well. Feeling sick already makes purging easier.
Evening Weight: Don't Know
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