Friday, 31st October, 2014

Morning Weight: 102lb

1:58pm

Tidying my room, singing along to music on my phone, I find a small box. It rattles.

Just as I realise what it is, Scars by Elegeion starts playing.

It's my blades.

And as I feel my heart quicken in my chest just at holding them, the lyrics of the song begin whispering gently into my ears.

Every time I see my eye in my reflection

I can't help but be disappointed in who I am

And every time I feel my skin breaking on metal

It helps me be quiet, and quiet's where I need to be

Scars on my skin

Scars on my heart

Scars on my soul

Reminding me of myself

Every time I feel alone and left forgotten

I have to believe in something like angels to breathe 

And every time I see my pain beating in rhythm

I need to be silenced, and silence's where I hide my fear

Scars on my skin

Scars on my heart

Scars on my soul

Reminding me of myself

And if I let you in, you'll tear me apart

So just hold me

Wrap me in your arms

Don't let me fall again

Teach me

So I don't have to learn anything

More from you

Isn't my pain good enough for faith in you?

Isn't my pain good enough for faith in you?

I miss cutting... I know I shouldn't, if I start cutting again they might think my antidepressants aren't working and they'll stop them, then I'll have nothing keeping the darkness back again...

But I miss them so much... I clutch the little box. My sharp, shiny toys... Not yet. Maybe later. Maybe tomorrow if I eat anything. Maybe not on my arm, somewhere no one will see it.

Everything's going wrong... I need my control back.

10:37pm

After my break, I put some cocoa butter on my tattoo, and rolled my work shirt into a more cropped shirt, so the material wouldn't wipe the cream off.

When I went back down, everyone admired my tatto, which was nice, but then we had mince pies to taste (???).

Out of politeness, I took one.

Colleague N: If you keep eat mince pie you ruin tattoo! No walk round with crop top!

Colleague S: Yeah if you keep on eating pies you won't be able to walk around in crop tops anymore!

They're right I thought, going back to work, They're so right... If I eat, I'll gain. And if I gain, it'll ruin my tattoo... Oh my god why did I eat it?! I've ruined my tattoo! It has to be perfect! Oh god...

I never want to eat again.

Evening Weight: 101lb