Monday, 13th October, 2014

Morning Weight: 93lb

9:00am

Well, I deserve this. I'm disgusting. I tried to purge 3 times yesterday, the second time there was a concerning speck of red, and the third time I could barely get anything out because my chest was hurting.

I deserve that weight gain. But back on track now, I bought lots of low kcal foods, have organised them all into sandwich bags, and am ready. 

I intend to be 90lb again by Thursday evening at the latest.

I lied to Garfield. I said I was okay.

He didn't believe me.


12:37pm
I nibble on my Corn Cake Thin (17) as I tap at my phone screen. It's too rainy outside for running club, such a disappointment...


Me: You shouldn't see me today and you shouldn't be dating me. I'm disgusting and you deserve far better.. X
Garfield: I'm not leaving you. So don't bother saying we shouldn't date. Xx
Me: How can you still want to date me when you know about the awful things I do?! I don't understand it. It's not like purging is attractive, quite the opposite x
Garfield: I'm not defending it. Xx
Me: So even knowing that, you would still love me?
Garfield: Why wouldn't i? Xx
Me: You deserve someone better, less problematic and troublesome... You shouldn't be with someone like me...
Garfield: Yeah well I am. Deal with it, if you want me to go. I'll go. But not without a goodbye kiss ;) xx
Me: .... I'd love to see you today but I gained yesterday and feel gross.... I'd love to see you but I don't know if I should xx
Garfield: Want to watch Toy Story with me? Xx


I smile at my phone. He knows just how to cheer me up.
Sounds good :) xx I type, and click send, watching the little message bubble move up to where our conversation is on the screen.


So I guess I'm seeing Garfield tonight. Hopefully he won't notice the 4lb... Though I'm sure he will, he just won't say anything in case it hurts my feelings.
I glance at my phone again. Oh Garfield... I love you so damn much, you have no idea how much I need you...

Garfield: I love you too sweetheart :) xx

5:04pm

In the car with Garfield, and we stop at a petrol station, where he gets an ice cream and a bag of sweets.

Holding the open sweets out to me, he smiles.

Garfield: Want one?

I think of my 200kcal limit, the 4lb I gained yesterday, and my remaining day's allowance of 33kcal.

I note the type of sweet, and its relevant number (24), and smile.

Me: Yes please.

I pop the small gelatine-based treat into my mouth and suck it softly, letting the taste fill my mouth. Strawberry.

I think to myself I could eat that whole bag, but would that second sweet really taste as good as this first one?

No it wouldn't, was the answer, and I smiled to myself, knowing I was in control.

"It never tastes better than the first bite."

Evening Weight: 94lb