Morning Weight: 97lb
8:34am
I don't want to get my tattoo... I'm too fat... I'm far too fat, I'm half a stone away from where I should have been today.
I looked up how weight changes affect tattoos. Apparently, so long as it doesn't result in lose skin (which it shouldn't because I'm only losing 30lb, at least to begin with), it should be fine.. I hope so...
I had to have breakfast this morning, but I put as much Truvia sweetener as I could on it, hoping that when it says "excessive consumption may cause laxative effect" it isn't lying.
I think I'll buy some laxatives. Or at least find some natural ones. That way, at least when I weigh myself, it'll be my body weight, and not the weight of the disgusting food inside me.
10:58pm
I stared at the dragon mask on the wall, and waited until I felt the tattoo artist put his hand on my waist again. I took a deep breath.
One, two, three...
I started counting the tiny, intricate markings on the mask as the needle penetrated my skin again.
Four, five, six...
I clenched my teeth on the gum in my mouth as the guy dragged the needle across my waist.
SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE...
I breathed out the lung full of air I'd been holding in as he raised the needle away, and took another couple of breaths as he came back, and I felt his hands on my hip.
One, two, three...
I clicked the volume button on my headphones as he dragged the needle across my body again.
Four, five, six...
The loud rock and heavy bass of the music pounded my ears, and I clenched my teeth again.
Seven, eight, nine...
The needle dragged up towards my ribcage.
Ten, eleven-
Me: Stop for a minute, I need to breathe
The guy had already finished the bit he was doing, and I hold up my hand, taking a few deep breaths. When he begins again, it's on the bit at the bottom of my ribcage.
My ribs extend lower down my body than I realised.
Me (starting to breathe more raggedly): Oh my god. FUCK. I said "Fudge.".. H-H-Holy shiiiiit!
My entire ribcage feels like it's vibrating as the needle drags itself across my lower ribs, and tears prick my eyes, but I clench my teeth tighter, turn the music to deafening levels, hold my breath and count the lines.
One, tw- FUCKthree, four, five, sHIIIT, seven, EIGHTNINEHOLYCHRIST-
Me (shakily laughing): Holy god that hurts!
I took another minute's pause, sanitised my hands, sipped my water and Cola Zero, and nodded for him to go ahead again.
Hand.
Waist.
"Buzzzzz"
Pause.
PAIN.
In total it took about an hour and a half. It's almost 14.5cm tall from top to bottom, covers almost a quarter of my abdomen, and brushes both the ribs and the hipbone.
Pretty much the most painful places to get a tattoo.
It was big, painful, and it was my first.
When the artist said it was big for a first one and said it was going to be painful, I looked him straight in the eye and said: I will go through hell and high water to get this tattoo.
And by God I meant it.
I ate later, I was stuck at home with mum and I logged onto the forums on my phone under my username, and posted a topic about just having a tattoo, wanting to fast, and my mother being home.
Me: Any advice?
Reply: You should eat something, because lack of nutrients make infection more possible
Reply: I agree with the above! You should definitely skip the fasting, even if you just have a salad.
Reply: I've had 13 tattoos in various places, and I always allow myself to eat when I get one done. Your body needs the energy, it's got to heal a wound now, and you need nutrients.
Me: Thanks guys, hearing from more experienced people who have dealt with tattoos + ED-related thoughts/feelings, and hearing you guys say that I should start fasting tomorrow instead makes me feel less bad about eating something today.
I log off, and end up having a sandwich for lunch, a couple of sugary snacks to up my sugar levels and keep mummy happy, and I join my family for a protein-ful dinner.
I know I've gained today, and I feel disgustingly fat, more so than usual, but I'm comforted by the thought of fasting and easily losing the weight I've gained, as well as the exciting thought of starting my next diet on Tuesday, 4th November.
I aim to be GW1 at least by the time I go back to school next Monday, and I will be GW3 for Christmas, no matter what.
If I can control my Needlephobia, and control 90minute's worth of pain, I can easily control what goes into my mouth.
Evening Weight: 99lb
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