Sunday, 26th October, 2014

Morning Weight: 96lb

6:06am

Why did Garfield have to love me of all people... I'm a timebomb, and one day I'll blow up and hurt everyone around me. So I just wish he wasn't one of those people around me, because I don't want to cause him any more pain...

I just want.....

I don't know.

I was going to write "I just want to be skinny", but it's not about being skinny, is it? It's rarely about that.

I want... I want to collapse from this. I want to wake up in a hospital bed with Garfield and my parents crying over me. 

I know that's sick and twisted, and I know it's fucked up, but that's the honest truth.

I want to recover before this kills me, before I get that sudden cardiac arrest, but I can't.

I'm too scared of the weight gain... I'm too scared of being podgy and plump and fatter than I am... I'm too scared of losing Garfield because I'm just a fucked up fat girl who can't even give him a full relationship.

I just want to feel beautiful...

No.

I just want to be happy.

7:50am

I will not die with a messy room.

At 6:30am, after tidying up the kitchen, this thought crossed my mind in a flash. I realised that if I could control my body and organise my food into portions and plans, then damnit I can do that with my room!

Having been a hoarder for years, I grabbed a black bag, went up to my room and looked long and hard at it. 

It was disgusting. Mess everywhere. Piles of mess. Nowhere near perfection. How could I expect to have a perfect body and loving boyfriend with a room like that?!

I started with my wardrobe. I went through everything, throwing away all the crap I had stupidly kept and forgotten about. I picked up all the clothes, threw them onto my bed to sort out later tonight. I organised the clothes in my wardrobe, hung up all the clothes I'd carelessly flung into a pile on the floor. I disposed of the countless water bottles that littered my room.

I had to stop and go to work, but I refuse to live in a pigsty anymore.

No wonder I'm such a fat pig, living in a pigsty like that.

10:06pm

Me: Can we open my window?

Garfield nods and opens the passenger side window all the way.

I lean my head out and we continue, driving through the darkened streets.

The wind pounds my face as we pick up speed, I lift my nose as a thousand scents attack my senses and the never-ending blur of passing scenery, coupled with the harsh winds, blinds me.

The sights, sounds and smells were a beautifully harmonious chaos to my body's senses, and I loved every minute.

I wanted so badly to purge, but instead I felt the wind, as if I was flying.

If only I could be so weightless...

11:57pm

Disgusting fat pig... The mirror is right.

And it's not like anyone would miss me either:

Evening weight: 99lb