Wednesday, 19th November, 2014

Morning Weight: 110lb

11:24am
The past week has been one long binge. And the scale didn't spare me this morning either. I'm 2lb away from my highest weight... It's disgusting...


This morning, I downed a glass of Unsweetened Almond Milk (26), and so far that's all I've had. I'm going to try to restrict until Sunday, then go back to my original plan up to Christmas, starting with the Russian Gymnast diet on Sunday.


I've planned out next year, The Year Of Bones, and it's going to be fantastic.


I'm not going to see Garfield until I'm at least 105lb again, though preferably 100lb. I look like a fucking whale right now. I hate it. It's grotesque. I never want him to see me like this. Ever.


I need to be perfect for him.
For me.
I need to be perfect for me.

2:05pm

I wish I could dance or run... It's the closest I'll ever get to flying...

I want to be a dancer, glide gracefully across the floor in perfectly choreographed motion.

I want to be a runner, fly powerfully across the ground in perfectly timed pace.

I want to be a bird.

No, I am a bird.

I need to fly...

5:44pm

Mrs C: That B is yours. You can get that B, but if you want that B you have to work for that B.

I nodded and bit my lip, swallowing the tears.

B, B, B, B....

Don't you understand? My mind screams at her, A B grade is a FAIL. I don't want a B, I want an A. But that'll never happen.

Every time she said that fucking letter, it smashed the nail further into .my chest, until I felt choked, unable to breathe.

B. B. B. B.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

I need to go throw up now.

Evening Weight: 108lb