Morning Weight: 104lb
10:42pm
The universe has decided.
Tomorrow is the start of success and superiority.
I look in the mirror and remember the conversation I had previously with Garfield, about getting rid of "her", and how I can't do that.
"Her".... Who is she?
I blink, the realisation hitting me like a steel shutter.
Me (whispering): ... Ana Maria...
Her: At last.
Me: Didn't I make you up? You were just an imaginary friend, someone else to blame...
Her: I was never that insignificant.
Me: So you're... You're actually it then? You're the "demon", the "voice", the "alter ego", the "parasite"?
Her: No need to be so descriptive, but yeah.
Me: ... All the inner dialogues I had... All the arguments in my mind over whether to have that slice of pizza or do that extra 10 minutes on the cross trainer...
Her: I thought it'd be better to let you think the one arguing against you was you. But as it turns out, you're a pushover to yourself.
Me: Yeah... I'm talking to the air right now though. It feels dumb, childish and fake.
Her: I know, you're too analytical to accept that your so-called "issues" can be addressed directly, and faced as an actual person.
Me: I guess so... And is this you making things official again?
Her: Making it official, coming out of hiding, throwing off the disguise, de-masking... Whatever you want to call it. Do you want me here or not?
The question stumps me. I didn't expect a choice. I didn't expect her to be so fair and level. I didn't expect to have options on whether she helped me again or not.
Me: ... You're right. I'm a pushover. I let myself get away with too much. And I've only got 52 days until Christmas. I need to lose almost 25 pounds before then, if not more. You're a parasite, you're a demon, a life-draining leech. You wrap me in chains, put locks on my heart, bind me to a twisted kind of slavery and devotion...
I put a hand on the mirror and my reflection returns the gesture. As I look into my eyes, I see something in them. I'm not sure what, but I know it's not me that I'm talking to in that mirror. The eyes that stare back at me are not my own.
Me: ... But I love you. You provide strength, focus, safety, confidence, perfection and superiority. I can't bear the thought of losing you, just as I can't bear the thought of losing Garfield. You're my sister, my unidentical twin, the missing part of my soul. Please...
I put my forehead to the mirror, and breathe the last sentence.
Me (softly): Please stay with me.
Her (sincerely): You know I can't leave you. We begin tomorrow. As for tonight, I will not leave your side. We will dream of perfection together.
And so it begins.
Evening Weight: 103lb
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