Wednesday, 5th November, 2014

Morning Weight: 107lb

6:53am

And so it begins.

Her: We can do this. You've been looking forward to this for over two weeks!

Me: I know. 

7:23am

I close my eyes as the thousands of thick droplets pound against my skin, burning it, causing me to wince slightly. The searing heat against my always-freezing body is comfortingly painful, and I run my fingers through my flattened hair.

I love showers.

For a moment, I look at the drain. I listen to the loud rhythms of the water against the bathtub, the echoes as they bounce off the walls around me.

I put my index and middle finger to my lips. Consider for a moment, then take them down, and gently cleanse my tattoo and vulnerable body.

One day I'll purge in the shower. The noise masks it, the constant water is ever-cleansing... It's the perfect place, and yet I've never done it.

Yet.

Sometimes I feel like crying in the shower. Letting the water mix with the tears and take them racing down my cheek, down my neck, down my chest, my body, my legs... Until they swirl and disappear down the drain.

Other times, like now, I just feel sick. Sick with the desire to be sick, sick with my body, my mind, my life.

I will be underweight for Christmas. It's my Christmas present.

Evening Weight: 103lb