2:48pm
It's true what they say about eating disorders - you may as well say goodbye to all of your friends. I thought Garfield and I would remain friends even though we broke up due to the fact that I couldn't handle a relationship at the time, and I did try to keep in contact with him. At first I was a bitch, and I know I was. It wasn't fair of me, and maybe that's ruined everything and is why things have fallen apart, but even so I hoped.
I told him exactly what I thought to his face. But my voice was harsh and my eyes were dry. I don't know who I am anymore, but even he should know that that is very unlike me... I cry when I get angry, I don't stand there stony-faced. I'm not assertive, I text people to discuss difficult things, I don't storm up to their door and scream at their face...
I've left it now. I guess I've accepted that I should be alone, so now it's his choice, not mine. Every fibre of me wants to call him, text him, contact him and try so hard to fix what I broke, but everyone's telling me to "leave it" and that "he's not worth it" and that "he's being a dick." It's not fair, because I know he's not. Everyone's taking my side in this, saying I was right and saying he's being a terrible person, but that's so wrong. It's so very wrong. I want to stand on the top of a building and shout at everyone that it's not him, it's me. I'M the one who broke us up, I'M the one with all the insecurities, and I know he is not the kind of person to leave like this.
Anyway, everything's falling apart, so I've receeded back into my dieting, because it seems to be the only thing I'm any good at.
I'm now Vegan, which eliminates a huge amount of food, and I am now only allowing myself liquid foods such as soup. I'm barely reaching 200kcal a day, and I walk home almost every day now, burning an extra 250+ on top of everything else.
I don't have anyone anymore, nobody really talks to me, my sister is happy enough without me in her life, and all I can do is pray for a slow, painful death by starvation, before I flip out and overdose again, which is what I feel like doing.
Planning to start taking drugs to numb reality. Getting high sounds great, so I've ordered some samples of legal highs and am talking to my outgoing friends about getting "other" drugs...
There's just no point to anything in this reality for me anymore. So I may as well go out with a bang.
It's true what they say about eating disorders - you may as well say goodbye to all of your friends. I thought Garfield and I would remain friends even though we broke up due to the fact that I couldn't handle a relationship at the time, and I did try to keep in contact with him. At first I was a bitch, and I know I was. It wasn't fair of me, and maybe that's ruined everything and is why things have fallen apart, but even so I hoped.
I told him exactly what I thought to his face. But my voice was harsh and my eyes were dry. I don't know who I am anymore, but even he should know that that is very unlike me... I cry when I get angry, I don't stand there stony-faced. I'm not assertive, I text people to discuss difficult things, I don't storm up to their door and scream at their face...
I've left it now. I guess I've accepted that I should be alone, so now it's his choice, not mine. Every fibre of me wants to call him, text him, contact him and try so hard to fix what I broke, but everyone's telling me to "leave it" and that "he's not worth it" and that "he's being a dick." It's not fair, because I know he's not. Everyone's taking my side in this, saying I was right and saying he's being a terrible person, but that's so wrong. It's so very wrong. I want to stand on the top of a building and shout at everyone that it's not him, it's me. I'M the one who broke us up, I'M the one with all the insecurities, and I know he is not the kind of person to leave like this.
Anyway, everything's falling apart, so I've receeded back into my dieting, because it seems to be the only thing I'm any good at.
I'm now Vegan, which eliminates a huge amount of food, and I am now only allowing myself liquid foods such as soup. I'm barely reaching 200kcal a day, and I walk home almost every day now, burning an extra 250+ on top of everything else.
I don't have anyone anymore, nobody really talks to me, my sister is happy enough without me in her life, and all I can do is pray for a slow, painful death by starvation, before I flip out and overdose again, which is what I feel like doing.
Planning to start taking drugs to numb reality. Getting high sounds great, so I've ordered some samples of legal highs and am talking to my outgoing friends about getting "other" drugs...
There's just no point to anything in this reality for me anymore. So I may as well go out with a bang.
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