On Friday, I broke down in school and signed out early.
I met up with a friend from primary school, she picked me up and took me to her boyfriend's house where we sat and talked.
It was away from everywhere and everyone I knew, it was a separate place, away from my everyday reality.
I don't usually go to her when I have issues, so to hear her saying what so many others had said, but in her way and with her voice, it was like hearing it anew, and I think it was the slap around the face I needed.
She said that she understood I was scared, that I thought it wasn't bad enough to warrant professional aid, but she said to at least say something, and she promised that if at any point I feel like going back and not getting help, I'm 18 years old and so have the right to just walk away if I can't handle it any more, so long as I'm not in immediate danger.
She let me talk, then voiced her own opinions, but only slightly. Mostly, she just let me talk at her, and even when what I said sounded crazy, she seemed to just nod and understand.
After that, she dropped me home, and I considered my options. I could tell my mother I was feeling ill and that's why I was home early, or I could leave the house and come back around my usual time.
No. I thought. I'll ring her and talk to her properly. She's my mum, I can do that.
So I rang up the doctors, to find that I already have an appointment booked for Wednesday afternoon, and then I rang my mum, explained what had happened, and asked her to hold off on all the questions she would want to ask me about it.
At first, she seemed upset that I spoke to my friend and not someone at school, or her, and she seemed to think I wanted to talk to the doctor without her again, but I reassured her that I felt I made the correct decision, I feel it's exactly the break I needed, and I explained that I wanted her with me at the doctors, where I would explain everything fully.
This morning, I woke up at 6am. I felt odd. Like maybe I had a chance at a normal life for once.
So, I spoke to my mum that morning, told her everything, and made sure she understood.
I'm done with this bully in my head.
I met up with a friend from primary school, she picked me up and took me to her boyfriend's house where we sat and talked.
It was away from everywhere and everyone I knew, it was a separate place, away from my everyday reality.
I don't usually go to her when I have issues, so to hear her saying what so many others had said, but in her way and with her voice, it was like hearing it anew, and I think it was the slap around the face I needed.
She said that she understood I was scared, that I thought it wasn't bad enough to warrant professional aid, but she said to at least say something, and she promised that if at any point I feel like going back and not getting help, I'm 18 years old and so have the right to just walk away if I can't handle it any more, so long as I'm not in immediate danger.
She let me talk, then voiced her own opinions, but only slightly. Mostly, she just let me talk at her, and even when what I said sounded crazy, she seemed to just nod and understand.
After that, she dropped me home, and I considered my options. I could tell my mother I was feeling ill and that's why I was home early, or I could leave the house and come back around my usual time.
No. I thought. I'll ring her and talk to her properly. She's my mum, I can do that.
So I rang up the doctors, to find that I already have an appointment booked for Wednesday afternoon, and then I rang my mum, explained what had happened, and asked her to hold off on all the questions she would want to ask me about it.
At first, she seemed upset that I spoke to my friend and not someone at school, or her, and she seemed to think I wanted to talk to the doctor without her again, but I reassured her that I felt I made the correct decision, I feel it's exactly the break I needed, and I explained that I wanted her with me at the doctors, where I would explain everything fully.
This morning, I woke up at 6am. I felt odd. Like maybe I had a chance at a normal life for once.
So, I spoke to my mum that morning, told her everything, and made sure she understood.
I'm done with this bully in my head.
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