Friday, 24th October, 2014

Morning Weight: 94lb

9:17am
Yesterday was really cool! In English, we had a talk from an author called Meg Rosoff. At first, I honestly thought I wouldn't like her. But when she began talking, she was so funny, and I connected with what she said so much!
She made me realise that just because I'm not constantly churning out novels, doesn't mean I'll never write one again. She said she goes through long periods where she just waits for the book to come to her, and I feel like that too.

So I'm not going to give up writing stories, just because I'm not writing all the time. And that's really nice! It's good to know that I haven't lost my imagination, it's just processing things.

The book is there in the colander in my mind, it just needs something to jolt it into action.

As for food, I binged yesterday evening, however kept to my Mono, and just had more Marshmallow Fluff.
I maintained, however didn't gain which was surprising, and even after the binge, I lost 1lb overnight which is good. It means I'm back under GW1, and might just stand a chance of being GW2 by Monday...
I have 3 days to lose 4lb.... That's more than 1lb a day. I can usually lose 2-3lb a day when fasting, apart from the first day when I usually only lose 1lb...

I know what I'll be doing this weekend then.

1:28pm

My size 6 dress feels so loose... But I'm so fat... So it's probably just because the dress has stretched.

I dare not try to put on my size 4 (US size 0) outfit... I'd probably cry if I tried, there's no way I'm pretty and slim enough yet.

13.5hrs in... I have a headache but nothing major. I can do this.

I'm seeing Garfield on Sunday... I need to be GW2 for that, and for my tattoo on Monday. Monday! It's already Friday! I'm getting my first tattoo in less than 3 days!

2:20pm

I'm kind of scared of Garfield's reaction when he finds out what I'm doing... I mean, he will find out because he always does. And when he does, he won't be happy with me.

But I don't care. He'll thank me later. When I'm slim and beautiful, he'll see what I've been trying to achieve. He'll understand why I tried so hard to achieve it. 

And when I'm beautiful and perfect, he'll love me more than anything. 

When I'm thin and beautiful, it will fix everything. Everything will be so perfect, and I'll never have to worry again.

I just know it.

4:10pm

I tap my foot impatiently. Finally, the bus shows up.

I did try and call my boss, and I asked if she needed me in today and she did.

I'm just so tired. The first day is always the hardest.

Also I feel a little sick, and I have an awful headache.

Oh well, at least if I go to work I'm there until 10pm, so can easily skip dinner. Besides, my mum knows what I do. She's made it clear she can't force me anymore, so I don't need to hide it.

It's actually better to go to work... There's food in my house, so staying out is better. And that way my rule of "no eating after 8pm" will stop me eating after work.

I need to do this... Whatever it takes, I will succeed.

7:51pm

I haven't eaten a single thing all day...

So why do I feel like I'm getting fatter by the second?

Ugh.

11:28pm

I beg myself to stop as I cram another biscuit into my mouth.

Stop stop STOP! My mind screams at me, What are you doing?! You're ruining everything! No wonder you're such a failure!

I finally realise what I'm doing, and shove the biscuits away, gagging. I want to run to the bathroom, shove my fingers down my throat and purge until I bleed inside, but I can't. I think of my parents, awake in the room right next to the bathroom. It's a Saturday, so they won't be asleep yet either.

I cry. I don't know what else to do. There's no amount of exercise I can do in the little time I've got that would get rid of what I'd just shovelled monstrously into my body, and I can't purge.

I feel trapped. I still have 10 days of the ABC diet left, and I don't want to quit it, I have 12 days until the next diet starts, but really all I want to do is just stop eating. Stop planning everything. Just eat only what is necessary. Nothing else. The bare minimum. 

I was going to try and fast for 2 weeks, but I ruined today. Ruined it. I could still fast for 13 days but it just wouldn't be the same..

Evening Weight: 96lb