Morning Weight: 95lb
7:34am
I keep bingeing on sweets...
So in order to combat this, I've decided to do a Marshmallow Fluff Mono today.
One 213g jar is 710kcal. I will try to keep it to one jar, but if I need to go to two I will.
The fact is, I'm sick of the ABC... Which is a shame because I was doing so well... But I'm sick of it, because the ABC diet means I have to eat. I don't want to anymore.
So, I'm going to do this mono today, until my body is sick of sugar, and then do what I've wanted to do for so long...
Then, after that, I'll be on the Sweet Tiny Body Diet, which consists of only fasting, raspberry monos and mango monos, and never over 135kcal for 18 days... I'm really looking forward to it!
It's going to be perfect.
But I need to lose at least 5lb in the next 4 days, so I can be GW2 for my tattoo...
I will do whatever it takes.
I will read that book whenever my body is hungry.
I will clean my teeth and my hands whenever my body wants to eat.
I will teach my body that it does not control me, and that I control it.
My body tries to tell me it's hungry, but my mind knows better.
8:36am
I hate monos so goddamn much...
I know calories "don't matter" on a mono, but it feels so disgusting...
I'm already getting sick of the sugar...
11:32am
I'm going to stop eating at 1pm-2pm, because I can't stand much more sugar... I'm done with it. My body hates it as much as my mind now.
Which is great, because now I can go ahead with my next plan!
Damn, Garfield's going to hate me... I mean, the issue is that I find it so hard not to talk to him... When he holds me and asks me, when I know that he knows I'm lying... Which he does all the time... It's so difficult.
But sometimes, I just get scared that if he knew what I was doing he'd intervene or try and stop me, or something like that.
It's funny how people's opinions change when they know certain things. Garfield said he wouldn't intervene until I'd reached my Ultimate Goal Weight (GW6), but ever since he found out that after GW3 I'm classed as "underweight", it now feels like he's intending to step in at that point instead.
What he doesn't realise is that I'll still be fine even when I'm a few pounds underweight. And I'll prove it.
Whatever happens, it won't help. I've made it clear that when people try to step in, when people try to "fix" this, it just makes it a thousand times worse.
I will be so beautiful.
Being skinny will fix everything.
8:36am
I hate monos so goddamn much...
I know calories "don't matter" on a mono, but it feels so disgusting...
I'm already getting sick of the sugar...
11:32am
I'm going to stop eating at 1pm-2pm, because I can't stand much more sugar... I'm done with it. My body hates it as much as my mind now.
Which is great, because now I can go ahead with my next plan!
Damn, Garfield's going to hate me... I mean, the issue is that I find it so hard not to talk to him... When he holds me and asks me, when I know that he knows I'm lying... Which he does all the time... It's so difficult.
But sometimes, I just get scared that if he knew what I was doing he'd intervene or try and stop me, or something like that.
It's funny how people's opinions change when they know certain things. Garfield said he wouldn't intervene until I'd reached my Ultimate Goal Weight (GW6), but ever since he found out that after GW3 I'm classed as "underweight", it now feels like he's intending to step in at that point instead.
What he doesn't realise is that I'll still be fine even when I'm a few pounds underweight. And I'll prove it.
Whatever happens, it won't help. I've made it clear that when people try to step in, when people try to "fix" this, it just makes it a thousand times worse.
I will be so beautiful.
Being skinny will fix everything.
4:35pm
Why am I so huge... It's disgusting. How does Garfield not see it? How can he possibly ignore the bulges of fat that cover my body? Why doesn't he understand that I know he'll like me better when I'm thinner. I just know it.
No one wants a girlfriend as fat as me. He wants a slim, cute, athletic girlfriend, I know he does. Because no one could want me just as I am.
I need to be me, but I need to be the best version of me that I can possibly be.
Only then can I look in the mirror and be satisfied. Only then can I believe him when he looks into my eyes and tells me I'm beautiful.
Tonight, I'm going to find a red marker pen.
And I'm going to do what needs to be done.
10:35pm
Oh my gosh can my mother be any more irritating?!
I got home from work, and told her about my day. Then, she beckons me into the kitchen.
Going to the fridge, she opens it, takes out a raspberry sponge pudding, shows it to me, and puts it back.
Then, she opens the freezer, indicates the 3 different tubs of ice cream now in there, and says: Just save me some?
Me: What?
Mum: What? I'm just showing you that we have ice cream.
Me: Okay then.
Mum: Just save me some!
Me: ... There'll be plenty.
I let her show me a new lampshade she bought too, then excuse myself and say I'm going to bed.
Why does this always happen?! Every time I'm about to do a long fast, mum seems to subconsciously sense it, and buy shitloads of food which she expects me to eat!
I hate living with parents. I can't wait to live alone, and finally be able to try out the recipes I want to, and not buy crappy junk.
I swear everyone around me is trying to make me fatter.
I can't trust anyone, they're all liars. They're all trying to make me fatter, as if I'm not enough of a whale already.
Why can't they see? I hate being so fat. I just want to lose weight and be beautiful, why is that so awful to everyone?
Why must they insist on making me fat?
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