Morning Weight: 96lb
9:19am
I've had enough of this.
Last night, I binged, it was disgusting, I purged, it was horrible (note to self: don't b/p on crispbreads without drinking any water - It's bloody awful)
I didn't get enough up, I saw myself in the mirror, I felt like throwing up again just from seeing my reflection. It. Was. Disgusting.
I am huge. More than huge, I am a balloon of a girl! Where have my ribs gone? And my hipbones? And that thigh gap I was nearly seeing?
They're gone. Absorbed up by the calories I've consumed. It's disgusting and I've had enough.
I have frees all morning. I'm going to exercise.
11:42am
I did some exercise, but have spent most of the morning re-reading that book again...
It feeds me. I don't need food, I just need to keep reading that book. Over and over, until I know it by heart. Over and over, until the words are ingrained into my mind. Over and over, until her story becomes mine.
But better.
My ending will be better. My story will be the better version of this story.
When I read that book, I escape reality. It sucks me in to its world, and when I have to stop reading and come back to the real world, it feels like a dream, like I'm still in the world of that book. I'm the girl in the story, but I'm her in my own reality.
I have a limit of 500 today but I'm not going to take it. Not after yesterday.
I'll probably be seeing Garfield later, so if I'm not GW2 yet, the least I can do is fast, so I look somewhat okay/decent/nice later when I see him...
Ugh, I feel so horrible. I was messaging him last night, after I binged... I'd said I couldn't see him until I'd got back the progress I'd lost.
Me: So what you up to?
Garfield: Missing you...
Me: I'm sorry I failed
Garfield: Just come and see me please...
Me: ... But I need to be skinny first...
Garfield: No you don't
Me: I do..
Garfield: Please jut see me... Please.
I got angry. I couldn't understand why he'd want to see me in this state.
Me: Why? Why do you have to see me whilst I'm like this? Why can't you wait until I'm pretty?
Garfield: ...Please just see me
Me: It's too late tonight anyway
Garfield: Tomorrow then?
I sighed. I feel so awful for refusing to see him, but I just feel so disgusting right now...
Me: Hon... I don't want you to see me like this...
I put my phone down and looked down at my body. Grotesque. Big. Disgsting. Vile. I couldn't stand it.
My phone buzzed.
Garfield: See you like what?! Your normal healthy self!? The only thing you're doing is pushing us away from each other!!
I think I stared at that message for a while. Something in my head, in the very back of my mind keeps going over that message. As if it means something more than I'm seeing. It bothers me, because it feels like a thick fog is coating the meaning within that message, a fog that I can't seem to get rid of.
I want him to hold me... But I want to be perfect when he does. And I'm not perfect, not yet.
Not yet...
3:13pm
Ah... I sigh and sit back in my seat, smiling, enjoying the brief feeling of superiority as I sit in my Technology class.
Cake Wednesday. My turn to bring the cake.
And oh, I brought cake.
I could have binged on it yesterday. I binged anyway but I won't lie, I'm glad I brought all the cakes in to class.
I sit in my seat, with an empty stomach and my third litre of cold, pure water, watching everyone around me stuffing their faces on the cakes I brought in. I let a light smile play on my lips, subtly. But it's not like anyone's looking at me. They're all like vultures, pouncing on the spongy, sugary, fattening treats.
I do a quick calculation, and laugh inwardly as I realise they're shoving 442-443kcal into their mouths, while I am sat, untainted with disgusting, sticky sugar. Let them eat cake. Let them have sugar and fat and butter and lard attaching itself to their bones, making their bodies bulge.
It's the little things that make me smile.
Besides, I'm totally Gluten Intolerant.
9:19am
I've had enough of this.
Last night, I binged, it was disgusting, I purged, it was horrible (note to self: don't b/p on crispbreads without drinking any water - It's bloody awful)
I didn't get enough up, I saw myself in the mirror, I felt like throwing up again just from seeing my reflection. It. Was. Disgusting.
I am huge. More than huge, I am a balloon of a girl! Where have my ribs gone? And my hipbones? And that thigh gap I was nearly seeing?
They're gone. Absorbed up by the calories I've consumed. It's disgusting and I've had enough.
I have frees all morning. I'm going to exercise.
11:42am
I did some exercise, but have spent most of the morning re-reading that book again...
It feeds me. I don't need food, I just need to keep reading that book. Over and over, until I know it by heart. Over and over, until the words are ingrained into my mind. Over and over, until her story becomes mine.
But better.
My ending will be better. My story will be the better version of this story.
When I read that book, I escape reality. It sucks me in to its world, and when I have to stop reading and come back to the real world, it feels like a dream, like I'm still in the world of that book. I'm the girl in the story, but I'm her in my own reality.
I have a limit of 500 today but I'm not going to take it. Not after yesterday.
I'll probably be seeing Garfield later, so if I'm not GW2 yet, the least I can do is fast, so I look somewhat okay/decent/nice later when I see him...
Ugh, I feel so horrible. I was messaging him last night, after I binged... I'd said I couldn't see him until I'd got back the progress I'd lost.
Me: So what you up to?
Garfield: Missing you...
Me: I'm sorry I failed
Garfield: Just come and see me please...
Me: ... But I need to be skinny first...
Garfield: No you don't
Me: I do..
Garfield: Please jut see me... Please.
I got angry. I couldn't understand why he'd want to see me in this state.
Me: Why? Why do you have to see me whilst I'm like this? Why can't you wait until I'm pretty?
Garfield: ...Please just see me
Me: It's too late tonight anyway
Garfield: Tomorrow then?
I sighed. I feel so awful for refusing to see him, but I just feel so disgusting right now...
Me: Hon... I don't want you to see me like this...
I put my phone down and looked down at my body. Grotesque. Big. Disgsting. Vile. I couldn't stand it.
My phone buzzed.
Garfield: See you like what?! Your normal healthy self!? The only thing you're doing is pushing us away from each other!!
I think I stared at that message for a while. Something in my head, in the very back of my mind keeps going over that message. As if it means something more than I'm seeing. It bothers me, because it feels like a thick fog is coating the meaning within that message, a fog that I can't seem to get rid of.
I want him to hold me... But I want to be perfect when he does. And I'm not perfect, not yet.
Not yet...
3:13pm
Ah... I sigh and sit back in my seat, smiling, enjoying the brief feeling of superiority as I sit in my Technology class.
Cake Wednesday. My turn to bring the cake.
And oh, I brought cake.
I could have binged on it yesterday. I binged anyway but I won't lie, I'm glad I brought all the cakes in to class.
I sit in my seat, with an empty stomach and my third litre of cold, pure water, watching everyone around me stuffing their faces on the cakes I brought in. I let a light smile play on my lips, subtly. But it's not like anyone's looking at me. They're all like vultures, pouncing on the spongy, sugary, fattening treats.
I do a quick calculation, and laugh inwardly as I realise they're shoving 442-443kcal into their mouths, while I am sat, untainted with disgusting, sticky sugar. Let them eat cake. Let them have sugar and fat and butter and lard attaching itself to their bones, making their bodies bulge.
It's the little things that make me smile.
Besides, I'm totally Gluten Intolerant.
8:08pm
Garfield came round, and we spent the evening cuddling. At first, I felt horrible and fat, but as his hands ran over my back and neck, and as he gently pushed me down onto the stairs before he left, softly kissing my lips, my neck, my collarbone... I was glad I hadn't eaten. I felt, not thin, but I didn't feel fat as he caressed me.
He didn't need to tell me how much he'd missed me, his warm touch and tight cuddles spoke for him.
At one point, my mother surprised me.
Mum (to Garfield): Do you want any dinner? Because she doesn't bloody eat!
Garfield: I'm good, cheers. I'll stick a pizza in when I get home.
Me: Mum!
Later on, whilst my mother was in the kitchen getting her dinner, my stomach made the loudest growl.
Garfield took hold of my hand, hugged me a little tighter and kissed my hair.
Garfield: Don't starve yourself.
I stayed quiet. After a lengthy pause, I couldn't find anything to say in reply.
Me: Moving on swiftly...
I was sad when I had to send him away. I watched him go from my door, watched him until he walked round the corner at the end of my street, and I lost sight of him.
My heart sighed. We never had to do anything. Just cuddle. That's all it took - his touch, his gentle kiss - and I felt calm. I can stop thinking so much around him.
But that's the danger. That's why I so often binge after seeing him, or while I'm with him.. Because he makes me feel so relaxed, that I forget to focus on calories and food. I forget what each mouthful does to me.
He makes me realise how hungry my body is.
But my body is a liar.
My mind knows better.
9:01pm
Ugh, I hate my body.
It's so hungry, it actually kind of hurts.
I'm so weak... How did I let it get this bad? That I can't even last a full 24hrs without food anymore... It's disgusting. My body has become too dependent on those vile calories.
I must not eat.
Evening Weight: 95lb
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