Tuesday, 21st October, 2014

Morning Weight: 94lb

5:10am

I peer down at the scales, but my body is shaking, making the needle on the dual wobble back and forth.

I step off, take a deep breath, step back on, and exhale gently as I once again peer at my number of worth. 94lb, I've lost a pound overnight. Nothing big, it always happens, as you're essentially fasting when you're sleeping.

I creep back upstairs and curl up back in bed, feeling sick.

I was 89lb last week... How could I have let myself lose control like that? How could I be so undisciplined as to allow my body's cravings to take control over me? 

I couldn't get much up last night, though I tried.

7:11am

No breakfast for me today, or lunch or dinner. I'm staying empty.

And I'm going into town later after school to pick something up. After that, I'll come home, so "No" to any and all food offered ("I ate in town"/"I'll have something later"), then I'll go up to my room, watch a movie and sleep.

Perfect.

10:49am

Garfield wanted to see me today... And I really want to see him too... But I'm still 4lb away from GW2, and I need to learn that I won't get things I want unless I keep control of myself.

I'll try extra hard... I'll make sure he doesn't have to wait long...


2:35pm
My tummy feels so empty... It's applauding me!


On another note, Garfield is making me feel awful... I really want to see him, and I feel so bad for depriving him of seeing me, so I'm really trying hard today, even though I really really want to binge...


But I can't let that happen, or it'll just be the start of another depressing binge cycle! And I really don't want that... I need to stay focused, I can do this.


My chest hurts...

3:08pm

I just read "Letting Ana Go" again... 

It's so triggering, I love it. But at the same time it always leaves me feeling empty and scared...

Because I can relate to so much of the story... And the main girl isn't named, so could be anyone... And her relationship with her boyfriend, the things he says to her, remind me incredibly of Garfield and I...

It's my favourite book.

9:17pm

That's it.

I've had it with this shit.

ENOUGH.

Evening Weight: 96lb