Friday, 17th October, 2014

Morning Weight: 91lb

7:30am

Oh my god I almost have a thigh gap!

I don't understand though, I'm still so fat, my legs are still grotesque and huge....

But wow... The gap between my legs is so much bigger now.... Wow...

8:57am

Everyone's eating cake.

I feel sick.


9:39am
I'm glad today is a fasting day.
I don't feel like eating anyway.


9:42am
I want to go home.
I don't want to stay at school.
I don't want to go to work.
I want to go home.


But I don't want to call in sick to work again.
And yet at the same time, I'm not going to be able to focus at all today.


My chest feels too empty right now.

1:37pm

The school wouldn't let me go home. I didn't want to talk to the school counsellor, and I cried in the toilets for about half an hour. At one point, I knew what I would end up doing, and pulled out my phone.

Please talk to me

I pressed "Send" and sat, crying silent tears for another 10 minutes.

I couldn't take it any longer.

Standing up, I took some toilet paper, blew my nose, emptied my bladder, and wiped my eyes.

I calmly removed my suit jacket, watch and bracelet, rolling up the sleeves on my cashmere jumper, before taking the 3/4 full bottle of Diet Cola I had bought earlier, and drinking it so quickly it brought tears to my eyes.

I then took a swig from my water bottle, wrapped one hand around my hair to hold it back, and faced the toilet ready.

It took a few tries, and I knew it wouldn't work properly as I hadn't eaten anything, but I managed to get the Diet Cola out. I was satisfied with that as, aside from my water, the Cola was all I'd actually had today.

I didn't get as much of a feeling of relief as I do when I do it after eating, but the sense of relief and control was still there.

After I'd finished, I felt better. I cleaned up, flushed the toilet, washed my hands thoroughly, made sure everything about me was clean and tidy, put my suit jacket back on and left the toilets calmly.

I know it's bad. I know some would read this and be revolted.

But sadly, some of you will understand.

That this is what makes me feel better when things get too painful.

3:50pm

I'm failing my A Levels... I knew I shouldn't have tried to do another year.

The only thing I can control is what enters and leaves my body. 

My media teacher's going to ring home because I haven't written an essay that was due on Tuesday. But I'm not going to waste my time explaining that I've been busy working Thursdays to Sundays, panicking about my technology coursework, focusing on controlling the one thing I can control... 

I'm such a failure.

At everything except losing weight.

I want to purge again. I still haven't eaten. But it makes me feel better... 

4:39pm

As soon as I got into town, I went straight to the toilets, checking my watch as I went.

4:15pm. I start work at 5pm.

I've got time.

7:32pm

My chest feels really odd.. And my heartbeat is very loud.

I'm finding it a little difficult to breathe..

10:48pm

I left work 2 hours early... And I'm pretty sure I haven't lost any weight today...

Kind of nervous about my weigh in... I really want to see that "8" instead of a "9".... I'm so close!

At least I'm succeeding in something I guess... ?

Evening Weight: 90lb