Thursday, 16th October, 2014

Morning Weight: 90lb

7:38am

Just had my Gluten Free Choco-Nut Pillows (159) and water for breakfast, as well as another 8g Chia seeds (34). There was stuff about Anorexia/Bulimia and sufferer's abuse of laxatives on the News this morning... As I sat there eating my breakfast while my mother watched it, I thought how ironic it was that I was already tempted to get laxatives...

Today will be weird, with such a high limit, but tomorrow is a fasting day so I guess the ABC diet does that on purpose - a high calorie day to boost metabolism, then fasting while the metabolism is increased.

I'll save my green tea for tomorrow in that case - it'll help keep my metabolism up all day, especially with a 5hr work shift after school tomorrow! I'll burn so many calories!

I need to write my review for the Cadbury's Highlights Hot Chocolate... I'll do that later on. 

Fingers crossed I'll lose today! 5lb more and I'll be on the brink of underweight!! Oh my gosh it's so excitingly surreal to think like that... I've never got this far before!

... Mum just asked to look in my lunch bag. I showed her the instant soup sachets and the hot drink sachets, and the slice of bread I've just broken up into a Tupperware for my lunch... She seemed happy with it.

It makes me laugh sometimes. She smiles at that and says "Cool!", but she'll never realise that the soups are both under 100kcal, and the hot drinks too... It's too easy to fool her. Just eat breakfast in front of her (water instead of milk cuts out so many calories), and say I'll have something to eat later. Just bounce around, smile and laugh, seem excited about eating... It's too easy.

10:37am

I sit in the classroom, eating the 80g tin of tuna mayonnaise and sweetcorn (77), and think.

I think about how easy it is to restrict now. I think about how much control I have over myself. I think about how difficult eating more than 500kcal has become.

And I smile.

At last, I finally understand that bingeing is pointless. It's only ever the first bite that tastes best.

I am so strong now, it's almost dreamlike.

11:29am

Oh my dear God can people around me stop talking about weight and eating disorders oh my freakin God.
Seriously, I'm sat here in Technology and their talking about being skinny, people having eating disorders...

Ugh, they have no idea. It's not just about the weight, if at all!

*sigh*....

1:30pm

Just managed to shove down lunch... I've only had 457kcal today so far but I'm so full... I'm going to gain today, I know it! I always gain when I feel this full...

My Vegetable Soup (70), bread (87) and Chia Seeds (34) were nice but by god my Peanut Hottie (83) was divine. Smelt just like peanut butter, didn't taste of it but the aftertaste does! Certainly a good way to settle those awful peanut butter cravings!

Ugh... I feel full of food... I hate that feeling... I really really want to purge right now but I mustn't... 

But god it's so hard not to right now...

2:42pm

Oh my dear goodness! I just had the Options Indulgence Belgian Chocolate Brownie Hot Chocolate (60), and oh it was gorgeous!

The issue is, this high calorie day is making my body tempted to binge... It's horrible, I hate this, but it's only for one day... Nearly there. All I have left is the Chicken Noodle Soup (44), which I'll have in my break at work. For now, I'm just nibbling 6 Tic Tacs (12) and some Corn Cake Thins (139) I crumbled up to munch on throughout the day.

I feel disgusting...

10:24pm

I think I may have been close to fainting at work today...

It got to near the end of my shift, and as I was over by the fridges, putting out drinks, I felt like everything was moving and spinning, so I rested my head on the metal cage with drinks on, and I could swear that, as I rested my head on it, it began writhing and swaying beneath me, it felt like an avalanche, and my chest went from freezing to suddenly warm to freezing again...

It was odd. This is obviously what happens when I eat too much, and have 800kcal... Ugh, so glad that tomorrow is a fasting day.

11:10pm

I knew 800kcal was a terrible idea.

Evening Weight: 91lb