Saturday, 18th October, 2014

Morning Weight: 89lb

3:52am

There it is... Right there... Not ninety-nine pounds, EIGHTY-nine pounds. 

EIGHTY.

Eighty...

This is incredible. I know I'll probably gain 1lb this evening, as you're always lightest in the mornings, but even so... It just means it's possible...

89lb... 89lb.... 89lb....

That's just 4lb away from being underweight... 

7:46am

Well, I'm not going to sleep anymore, so I got up, went downstairs, took my antidepressant pill, grabbed my pack of 5 Corn Cakes (139) for breakfast, and turned on the television.

I am in complete control. I can do this.

It's becoming a little difficult to sleep, as lying on my side isn't very comfortable now, but I can deal with that. 

I will be 80lb by Christmas. 

My goal was 85lb, GW3, but it's only 18th October, and I'm already 4lb away from that goal. 

So I changed it. That's my Christmas present to myself.

I'm going to be underweight for Christmas.

9:26am

I've decided to do something risky today. But I think I'm ready. I feel in complete control of myself now. 

... I'm going to buy sweets and treats.

10:43am

On my way into town, I nibble on my 3 crumbled up Corn Cake Thins (51).

Bland, but filling.

11;05pm

I shove my fingers down my throat for the 10th time, coughing and crying. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get it up this time.

I go from standing to kneeling in front of the toilet, tears streaming down my face as I breathe heavily, coughing and sobbing.

You fat cow! How could you do this to yourself?! Where is your control?!

My mind screamed abuse at me, and I just closed my eyes against it all.

It had happened so quickly... The burial, we went back inside, I went to go upstairs, and before I understood what I was doing, I had a piece of chocolate in my mouth. 

Then, before I could register the havoc I was about to cause, I was upstairs, stuffing my face with sweets, chocolates, fudge and toffee. The very same treats I had bought to prove my sense of control..

As soon as I realised what I had done, what I was still doing, I grabbed my water and ran into the bathroom, downing the litre bottle almost entirely, and using every ounce of my strength to try and get the disgusting calories and fat out of my stomach.

I could literally feel the calories burning away in my stomach, turning into more flabby fat all over my body. 

But half an hour later, with bruised knuckles reddened with teeth marks, I knew it was hopeless.

The scale was sure to scream my failure in its numbers this evening... And I was sure to spend the night crying and wishing I was dead and buried in the garden instead of Goldie.

Evening Weight: 92lb