Sunday, 19th October, 2014

Morning Weight: 91lb

7:15am

I sit in the kitchen, eating my Choco-Nut pillows (159). It feels so wrong to eat, so soon after a binge, but I said I would carry on with the diet no matter what.

I feel so disgusting and fat... And Garfield wanted to meet up today... Ugh, how could he stand to look at me? I'm a hideous whale... 

One day I'll be beautiful and perfect.

7:46am

Well that's a kick in the fucking teeth. Great. Makes me feel so much better.

I love it when shit ruins my day/life/what little self esteem I have left.

12:27pm

Lunch: Mrs Crumble's Corn Cakes x5 (139)

8g Chia Seeds (34)

4:23pm

Mum's made roast dinner...

Me: Ate cookies at work and feel a bit sick :/ roast dinner might not be a good idea :( xx

I hit send, and pray that she believes me, and puts it down to gluten intolerance, but I'm not hopeful.

If she makes me eat dinner, eat ANYTHING, I will purge it. And I will make myself sick until it's ALL out of me. Whether it takes 2 minutes or 2 hours, I won't stop..

Even if she hears me throwing it up.

5:09pm

Wish I lived alone...

7:17pm

I told Garfield I'd have dinner, told him I wouldn't do anything stupid afterwards...

I curl up on the bathroom floor, wanting to scream. He needs to know I love him... He needs to know that I truly love him more than losing weight. He needs to know that this isn't more important than him...

It's not, but it's what I need. It's my way of dealing with life, with stress, with feeling out of control... 

I hate the feeling of food inside me, this indeterminate number of calories turning into fat and latching onto my bones with every passing minute. I can feel it covering me in pounds that will be shown on the scale later.

Please... I worked so hard to get past goal weight 1...

Please don't let me be over that again... Don't let me have to start all over again...

As much as I love him, I can't bear this again, not after tonight...

Love is agony. But this agony will prove my love.

I hope..

Evening Weight: UNKNOWN