Wednesday, 15th October, 2014

Morning Weight: 90lb

7:52am

Well I'm finally back to 90lb! One more pound and I'll see a whole new number!

For breakfast, I had some Gluten Free Coco-Snaps (133), with water (0) and Stevia (0), and I also sprinkled on 8g Chia seeds (34). They're meant to be a superfood, and meant to expand in your stomach, filling you up.

Today, I'm going to ask the school PE teachers if I can run on the lower field. They'll probably say no, because it's not visible from the classrooms, but I'll explain how desperately I want to run, and hope that they'll take into consideration my attendance, maturity and desperation.

I just really need to run. Just run, and keep on running.

But I don't want to run somewhere concrete and inhabited. I want it to be just me and my breathing. Me and the ground. Me and the wind in my hair.

I need to run.

9:24am

I don't believe it...

I'm on the lower field...

It's empty...

It's all mine.


11:39am
I ran as fast as I could. It was so amazing, I really needed that.


Reading back through past blogs of mine, it kind of makes me sad... I used to be so happy... Where did that girl go? What happened to her?


3 Corn Thins (51) make up a nice mid-morning snack, as I make a database of foods, ready for creating super low calorie recipes.


I've broken up the Corn Cake Thins into small pieces, and it's lasting longer that way.

3:20pm

I'm just about to try the Cadbury's Highlights hot chocolate (38), and the corn thins are still here too. Crumbling them up was a great idea! It's like skinny popcorn!

I'm seeing Garfield today... There's been some friction in our relationship... He says he's going to make everything clear when he sees me...

I'm scared. 

9:06pm

Turns out there was nothing to be scared of. To my disbelief, I haven't ruined this relationship yet! Could this actually be the one that lasts?

For dinner I had some instant Chicken Noodle soup (44), which was actually delicious!

I've just spent the past hour organising what I'm going to eat tomorrow... I have a limit of 800kcal! That's an insanely huge amount!

And as I've just discovered, it's incredible how much you can actually fit into 800 when you're clever and don't waste it on junk.

Tomorrow I'll be having breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, 2 above 50kcal hot chocolate-type drinks, AND some Tic Tacs! All for 799kcal... It's incredible! I'm even having a slice of BREAD with some soup tomorrow! BREAD I TELL YOU.

It's been so long since I dipped bread into soup... I can't do it very often anymore, as I don't want to waste my calories away on silly indulgences like bread...

I'm going to feel so full tomorrow, I don't even know if I'll manage to fit in the entire 799kcal...

10:13pm

I don't think I've lost anything today... I just looked in the mirror and am disgusted at the sight.

My legs, arms, stomach, bum... It's all so grotesquely huge... It made me feel sick to look at.

I doubt I've lost anything at all. There's no way I can be losing weight when there's still so much fat to get rid of! It all needs to go. If I can grab it, or pinch it, it needs to go. 

How can Garfield stand the sight of me? How could he possibly not find me disgustingly fat? I don't understand why he can't see it, it's blatantly there, I can see it in my reflection..

I'm just constantly preparing myself for when me and my obsessions ruin yet another relationship... Because there's no way in hell I could hold a relationship steady, long enough for anything major to happen.. 

He said before that he dreamed of me walking down the aisle...

But how could that ever be a reality? In what universe could I ever even hope to experience that? 

So often I'm reminded of how difficult a relationship with me must be.. I just wish I could let go of my anxieties and enjoy the love whilst it's here, rather than tainting it with fear, doubt and paranoia.

But when every single time you've been happy at last, something's ruined it... It's very difficult not to be suspicious and fearful of happiness from then on...

I'm scared to be happy, because my experiences tell me it can't last...

10:48pm

I knew it. Still fat.

Evening Weight: 90lb